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Origin of Father's Day
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ORIGIN OF FATHER"S DAY
By Meena Yeggina

Father's Day is celebrated on the third Sunday in June. The idea of creating a day to honor the fathers began in Spokane, Washington. A lady called Sonara Louise Smart Dodd of Washington first had the idea of a Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Sonara wanted a special day to honor her father William Smart, a Civil War veteran. Smart's wife died while giving birth to their sixth child and Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state. After becoming an adult, Sonara realized her father's selflessness in raising his children as a single parent. It was her father that made all parental sacrifices and was, in his daughter's eyes, a courageous, selfless and loving man. Having been raised by her father, Sonara wanted her father to know how special he was to her. Her father was born in June, so she chose to hold the Father's Day celebration in Spokane, Washington, on June 19, 1910.

In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day. Then, in 1966, President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June as Father's Day. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day.

Roses are the Father's Day flowers: red to be worn for a living father and white if the father is not alive.

What Is a Father?

Webster's NewWorld Dictionary says, a man who has begotten a child. Andrew Lloyd Webber describes a father as the first man you remember and the last man you forget. Louise Bates Ames writes, He's the protector, the provider, the supporter. He's the one the rest of the family looks up to and depends on it. He's an essential point in the father-mother-child triangle. Others can share the burden but his is the responsibility.

When it comes to describing a father, you will get different answers from different people at different time periods. Five-year-old Rahul says, My daddy drives car, reads newspaper, buys me dresses, toys and ice cream. He drops me at school, goes to work and sometimes he plays with me. Twelve-year-old Kamala from a village in India feels secured at her father's presence even though he fights with her mother quite often.

In general a dad is warm, loving, strong, and caring. He's a good provider and a listener. But the notion of fatherhood and a father's role in raising a child have changed a lot in the past two decades.

Fatherhood of the Past

When a man becomes father his whole world changes. No longer just a husband or a career man, he takes the responsibility of raising a child. How he performs as a father is greatly influenced by the fathering he received, as well as social and biological considerations.

Once upon a time in India we all knew what it meant to be a father. The dads of the previous generation didn't much wonder about their role. They went to work, brought home money, read newspapers and occasionally play with the kids. They seemed to the kids terrific fathers, doing only those things that dads were supposed to do. They maintained distance from their kids, put them in their place and thought that this is the way children are to be disciplined. Children were supposed to obey their father whatever they say and there was no room for argument. This has done both good and bad for the children. Fathers were good providers but they never used to involve themselves in the activities of their children. When I was in school, my father never knew my interests, my friends names or what I liked. But I felt he loved me, says retired engineer Ramabadran. The dads of the past never took active part in raising the kids. One reason for this is there were many people to look after a child at least in India. The head of the family always had his priorities in life.

Two decades ago, the typical father was portrayed as being uninvolved in pregnancy, childbirth and child care. During childbirth he used to nervously pace the waiting room floor and keep praying or smoke cigarettes until the news was brought to him. My husband was shy even to ask me how I was doing after my baby was born and I was so depressed about it, says 45-year-old Uma Parvathy. He never changed diaper nor did he feed his child. His role was rather to provide the opportunity for his wife to rear the children with as few distractions as possible. Whatever the truth of yesterday's stereotype, it is no longer valid not only in the Western society but also in India of the 1990s.

Modern Context of Fatherhood

THE CHANGING ROLE OF FATHERS: A father's day tribute
By Meena Yeggina and Janhavi Rao

Papa, Papaji, Appa, Nanna, Babu, Father, Dad, Daddy by whatever name you call him, he is the first man in your life, to whom you are tied to, biologically, emotionally, socially and psychologically, and maybe in many other ways. Good or bad, rich or poor, young or old, thin or fat, black or white, he's your father and you can't deny that. He's the person who is always there for his kids, no matter what they do and how they behave. He's caring, affectionate, understanding, protecting, providing and sacrificing, always. His love is pure and selfless. He doesn't expect anything for what he does for his children except their happiness. Whether an Indian father or an American father or an American Indian father, a father is a father and he stands for this most respectable and lovable word, even though their ways of caring are different.

Dads are very special and precious to us. It's nice to have a day dedicated to them, the Father's Day, to honor them and show our love and gratitude to them.

Now a father's role in child care has changed for the better. Fathers today are playing a larger parenting role than ever before. A study shows that over 80 percent of today's fathers are present at the birth of their children. In India also, the trend of husband being present during childbirth is slowly coming up. Today's father thinks when his wife can bear so much pain in bringing out the baby why can't he participate in bringing him up. He changes the diapers, bathes and feeds the baby, waits in long queues day and night for his child's school admission, does chauffeuring, taking them to swimming, skating and to story sessions in Barnes and Noble, attending the kid's school functions and what not.

The type of help the father offers to his children is somewhat different in India. In India, not necessarily every father is present during childbirth but he still does much for his children. My father used to accompany me whenever I had to travel out of my city to attend an interview, because I am a girl. He used to walk several miles, without my knowledge, to save money for my marriage. He taught me values in life, remembers 36-year-old Viji. My father sold his land and paid a huge amount of money to educate me in an engineering college, gratefully remarks 18-year old Karthikeyan.

Difficult Fatherhood

In the U.S., with increasing frequency, fathers of young children are single parents, stepfathers or living away from their natural children. Some become the primary child care person even in intact families. Previous support from extended family members and close-knit neighborhoods has diminished from previous generations.

In India stepfathers are less in number but widower single fathers are always there. These fathers have more responsibility than other fathers. The fathers of disabled children are also facing a greater responsibility. These parents have to take care of the emotional and psychological aspects of their life also.

Why Respect Your Father?

Fathers are to be respected not only for what they do for us but also for their age and experience. A father is a great teacher who teaches the essentials of life by example. He lives the way he wants us to live.

In the epics and puranas of India, fathers have been given a lot of respect by their children. Children were taught that there was no mantra more powerful than their father's words. Parasurama did not hesitate to kill his mother when his father asked him to do so. Rama went to the forest to keep his father's words to Kaikeyi. Ganesha went around his father Shiva once and declared that he went around the world itself and got the divine mango as a gift.

In Christianity God is considered as the Father and the priest is called a father. A senator of ancient Rome was called a father. These indicate the importance of the word father as a protector, a leader and a person who deserves respect or reverence because of age, position and experience.

HERE'S TO DAD!

We have done four case studies in relation to the changing role of fathers. We spoke to Habib Khan, a famous sitarist who has an eight-year-old daughter, Swapan Chowdhary, who has two sons, Chittranjan, Chairman, Key Solutions, who has two teen-age kids, and finally Swami Irrinki, a software engineer who has a two-year-old son.

Their answers to our set questions are interesting and revealing. Chittranjan's kids are both honor students, loving and highly interactive. I know them personally and are perfect model teen-agers unlike many snobbish ones that we come across. The role of Chittranjan, it seems, is not the kind to change diapers and clean noses; he's more of a loving, understanding, disciplinarian.

Habib Khan, I learned, took care of his daughter Zeeshan as his wife Shobha had to work full time at that time. Says Shobha, If you notice the pictures of my daughter, you'll see that they're all with my husband. He did everything for her, including diapers. And I never heard him complaining. Reveals Khan, I simply loved doing things for her. Now I know why mothers enjoy motherhood so much. Spending time with kids physically enhances the relationship and grows a sense of belonging.

Swapan Chowdhary's role as a father is more of a disciplinarian and teacher. He demands the Guru respect yet enjoys every moment with them. He says, I'm not as strict to my children as my father was to me. It's better not to force them to do what they don't want to do.

Swami, the youngest father, of the four interviewed, plays a role of a different calibre altogether. For him there's no distinction of a father/mother responsibilities. He tries to do everything that he can. His wife Alivelu, a bio-technologist goes to work full-time. I enjoy every moment, he says. I like being there for him. Of course like all parents there are some frustrating moments but I think men would miss out a lot if they don't spend enough time with their kids.

So read on their opinions and write to Indzine what you think.

Meena Yeggina

CHITTRANJAN

What do you think the role of a father should be?

• To instill values in my children, to mold their character and make them strong
• To do whatever needs to be done for their benefit
• To be their male role model and make them want to be and do their best
• To love them unconditionally and be someone they can trust no matter what.
• Basically, to be a gardener: weed out the bad stuff, keep the pests under control, make sure they get the right amount of fertilizer, i.e. love and care and indulgence (not too much or too little), and help them grow into prize winning plants.

What have you done for your children? Why?

• I raised them to be responsible, caring and and loving people.
• Make them independent, smart and productive individuals.
• Bottom line, made sure they had everything they need in order to become good/decent kids
• The reason why I've done this is because I want the best for my children. I also want them to lead a fulfilling life and experience the happiness that comes from a broader sense of education and understanding/knowledge of the world (versus happiness drawn from a narrow sense).

What/how is your relationship with your own father?

• I have a very special relationship with my father; he cared deeply about me and loved me more than my three other siblings. As I grew up, he shared his thoughts with me, treating me more as a friend.
• My father was a school teacher, and he valued eduction very much. Thus, his love for education/knowledge has had a great influence on my education and my appreciation for its importance.
• He wasn't only my great dad, but he was my teacher in school and life.
• He was very patient on many, many aspects, but when it comes to education or honesty he is very strict.
• I'm reverent of my dad and have a more traditional/formal yet loving relationship with him; we still love each other to pieces.

How is your relationship with your father different compared to that of yours with your children?

• My relationship with my children is more casual and open; much more trusting, equal and personal
• I have the best of both the worlds (American as well as Indian). I took the formal Indian style relationship I had with my father, and mixed the open and casual American styles in building a relationship with my kids.

Do you spend time with your child because your wife demands it or voluntarily because she needs it?

• I do it because it's fun, challenging, and rewarding. It's the greatest opportunity and pleasure being involved in raising the children.

Any other views on bringing up children?

• First two years with your children is more critical and important.
• Explain to them what you're doing and/or why (if not right away).
• Be a catalyst, but be willing to change as well.
• Don't barge in on certain fundamentals. They'll try to check you to see how strongly you believe in, and tend to push you.
• It's important that they trust you and come to you or any family member for any advise, questions, or concerns.
• When you made a mistake say sorry (within a day), and they should do the same. Whoever is saying sorry should explain to the other person why that person behaved or acted for which he/she has to say sorry.

What his kids Meena and Mohan think about him:

• We still feel that Dad spends less time with us than he could.
• He talks more at us versus with us; sometimes he's not flexible or open-minded enough and is too uptight about simple stuff (rings, acid rain nail-polish, off-the-wall jokes).
• In general, he's too critical and doesn't give enough recognition he's too blase about our accomplishments.
• He did an excellent job in instilling our values.
• He stands up for his morals and what he believes in; he isn't usually hypocritical and is thus a great role model and someone we both admire greatly and want to emulate.
• The time he does spend with us is of such calibre that we look forward to more of it.
• He works hard for us all day and still has the time and patience (usually) to help us out afterward with our problems.
• He's sincerely interested in our lives and problems and tries his best to fix them for us and make our lives as perfect as possible.
• He does what needs to be done even if we don't like it at the time; he's willing to be the bad guy for our benefit in the long run when we don't immediately realize the necessity of his actions.

HABIB KHAN

What do you think the role of a father should be?

• To love, educate the child, teach morality, to pass down Indian culture and very much Indian classical music.
• To teach her to be very proud of her Indian heritage and culture. If my child learns Indian classical music, then my child will appreciate all kinds of music. God willing, that will be fulfilled, then I shall consider myself to be a lucky father!

What have you done for your daughter? Why?

• Very deep love and good discipline. My wife Shobha gives lots of love, so I have to balance it off with discipline.

What is your relationship with your father?

• After many years, I realized that my father was my Guru and God. In the beginning, he was very very strict and was very much into discipline. I learned all the great Indian classical music from my father.

How is your relationship with your father different compared to that of yours with your children?

• I am in the United States, the generation is different, the era is different. It is very difficult to compare my relationship with my dad and with my daughter. I wish I could impart the same music and discipline to my daughter.

Do you spend time with your child because your wife demands it or voluntarily because she needs it?

• Fortunately, I get to spend much time with her because I am a musician and work out of home. Shobha and myself spend a lot of time with Zeeshan.

What his daughter Zeeshan thinks about him:

• I love my dad beyond words and deeply respect him.

SWAMI IRRINKI

What do you think the role of a father should be?

• The role of the father is to be with his child when he needs and teach him all the values of life and bring him up to be a good person, as a role model. My role as a father is to be a role model for my son.

What do you do for your son and why?

• As both of us are working we share our work load at home. My wife has to go to work early in the morning around 7'o clock. So I take care of my son in the morning. When he gets up in the morning I change his clothes, give him milk and drop him at the day care center. My wife comes back at 4'o clock, picks him up from the day care center, give him bath and takes care of him. On weekends we share our activities together equally.

How was your relationship with your father?

• It was not the same as the one between me and my son. I don't think he involved himself in my daily activities. But he was always there for me to guide me in taking the right decisions: which school I should join, which career I should choose, in what field I should pursue and so on. But the role which we take here is much more than that. We are more involved in all the activities.

How is your relationship with your father different from your son's relationship with you?

• I used to associate with my father for getting advise regarding my career or education. For everything else I used to go to my mother. We knew exactly for what we should go to dad and for what we should go to mom. But here everybody can do everything. That generation was divided between father and mother whereas now it's divided between time and convenience. In that way it's different.

For what does your son depend on you?

• He depends on me for everything and especially for playing games and sports. Being a boy he wants to play basket ball, volley ball and all that. For that he comes to me only. In that aspect he is able to differentiate between mom and dad. He likes me taking him to the park for playing.

You spend time with your children because your wife demands it or you voluntarily do it?

• I do it voluntarily, not only because there's no alternative but also becauseI enjoy doing it.

What his son Vinay thinks about him:

• I love daddy!

SWAPAN CHOWDHARY

What do you think the role of a father should be?

• To give love, companionship and discipline, and to listen to them whenever they need it. To teach them how to enjoy the life with simplicity and peace. And to try to practice what I preach, which is very difficult and so I learn a lot as a father. To try to do the right thing so they will see that and then do the right thing too.

What have you done for your sons? Why?

• To be with your kids is very important. If they see peace in the family they will be peaceful. I'm teaching them music, encouraging them to play music; and they love to play soccer so I try to take them to the fields to practice. But I'm a musician and I think music can bring peace and love, and promote discipline and that's what they need. I am teaching my son tabla and the youngest is wanting to learn now too. Right now he sings. Let's see what happens...

What is your relationship with your father?

• My father was a very strict man. Sometimes I was scared of him. The times have changed and today you cannot be as strict to your children as he was to my brother and me. But at the same time, he taught me to love music and encouraged me to play tabla. He sacrificed a lot so that I could play tabla and he gave me lot of love. He's 90-years-old now and I think he's very proud of my accomplishments. There was always a balance of love and strictness. But I was growing up in India and the whole system was very different in those days.

Can you compare it with your children? How is it different?

• I am not strict to my children like my father was to me. It is better not to force them to do what they don't want to do. But it is also a father's duty to tell them what is good for them and encourage them, even if they resist. My boys have different natures from one another and so I treat them each according to their own needs.

Do you spend time with your children because your wife demands it or voluntarily because she needs it?

• Even though I cannot be around them as much as I would like, I think they feel very secure and know how much I love them. I definitely spend time with them whenever I can. I love to! They are fun and interesting! And they teach me a lot too! Being a musician it's hard to spend time with them all the time, because I'm touring all the time. They are getting old enough now to come with me sometimes if it's okay with their school. But I always keep in touch with them so that they don't miss me too much and I don't miss them too much. So I do it because I want to do it. Jane, my wife, does not interfere. But it's natural for her to encourage and remind me sometimes because when I'm away for long time, it's hard sometimes to jump back into being the kind of father I like to be. Sometimes I just need to be quiet and relax and the boys don't understand. So she reminds me and that's okay. She's always supportive in whatever I do.

What his sons think about him:

• He's a very famous man! We are proud of him and love him a lot!

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